Updated: Feb 21, 2020
When I believed that other people believed it gave me hope to be restored to sanity but that was just the start. It was when I noticed that I had tried my own way and that no human aid was ever able to complete this process for me, my hope turned to faith. I love my Mom more than anything in this world, as well as my two sisters, but in the midst of it all, even when I had their upmost support, I could never maintain my life and stop using drugs for them. They stayed in tears mourning my death because that’s all they saw in my future. Did my family qualify as enough? Yes. Has human-aid kept me sober temporarily? Yes. However, it was not until I actually wanted it enough for me that this process had started and I wanted it to last this time.
I went to my first treatment center for them and while I was there, I did good. This changed as soon as I got back, I suffer from a disease of addiction that entails an obsession of the mind- a thought that rules out all others. During this time, I forget the harms and lack the ability to make the right choice. So, the next choice was getting dope, I put this into my body with no ability to control it and I break out into an allergy. An abnormal reaction to a common substance like someone who is allergic to peanut butter. The thought that I could just do one allowed this allergy to manifest into a phenomenon of craving where one is to many and there is no number which is ever enough, which sends someone like me on a spree. A lot of harm is done on these sprees. After several overdoses, stealing from family or anyone on my path, my life being threatened and losing everything, I eventually hit a breaking point. This seems to be a mental jail, where I don’t even want to live anymore. It has also been literal jail, where I was forcefully removed from it. Another breaking point could be a threat from a loved one or simply anything that is sufficient enough for me to have a desire to change has to take place. So, I make a firm resolution to make this change or emerge remorseful for the harm caused during this spree. But when there is a spiritual malady, which means I am blocked or disconnected, I remain restless, irritable, and discontent which leads me right back to the same obsession of the mind I explained in the beginning. This is referred to as the vicious cycle. I could see this cycle in numerous occasions of my life. I never wanted to go back to this way of living. So, when they said it is a spiritual solution which requires living under a set of principles and cancelling out self, I searched for it. That exact information led me to get connected and pray to a God I didn’t quite understand yet, but it gave me the courage to take action and keep seeking. I did an inventory and reflection of myself and after realizing that I was a complete piece of shit that was ran off self-will, I knew there was no other option. I had tried to stop or manage every other way I thought would work, except the way I am doing it now. This was giving my will completely to God.
I eventually confessed my God by name, which is Jesus Christ. From that moment my awareness in every action had changed and became more God centered. I continued to pray and even though I lacked trust sometimes it was soon revealed how God had every part of my plan laid out for me when I leave it in his hands. He gave me a purpose and turned my mess into a message. My wellness today comes from the presence of the Holy Spirit in my life, which allows God to do wonders. I have been forgiven by my heavenly father which instilled the spirit of forgiveness in me. This has led me to have the greatest relationship with my earthly Dad that I have ever had. I have also been forgiven by the rest of my family after proving my sorry with action and not muttering the word anymore. This took time but I put years into my addiction so why I would I expect it to be any different. God has given me everything I need and a life that I never thought I deserved. So, I start back over today and continue to remember what got me this far.