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Hope Dealer

As I came to work this morning, I couldn’t help but think about giving back what I have received. This started with a hope that I could achieve sobriety. I saw other people doing it that have been to the lengths that I have, and they seemed genuinely happy. Also, I really wanted to know what it was like to achieve goals, so I set daily goals to stay sober, one day at a time. Even though I started striving for much more that was a good basis to stay on but now I needed to learn how to deal with my mental health which rooted the addiction. I asked people what they have been doing and they kept saying the word God or spirituality in every response. They seemed to be relieved of anxieties or fear that stemmed from abuse, neglect, or trauma from their past. So, after receiving this level of hope I decided to stay open minded.

I was breathing air one day and realized this was not of my doing, I looked at my natural surroundings which I knew I had absolutely no part of, I let go of all theories I have once learned and stopped questioning. That is exactly what lead me to open the door of believing in something greater than me because everything around me was greater than myself, as an individual. This meant I no longer wanted to try on my own anymore because I have done that my whole life and it only got worse. Because I lacked power, I needed to find it. I wanted the courage to step into my fears and deal with issues from my past. After turning my will over to a God I didn’t really understand, I still received the benefits of the courage I had been looking for. So I dove into a journey of looking at all of my trauma which built resentments, my selfishness which was greatly due to my lack of identity, my dishonesty which tied into preserving a false identity, and my fears of failure, abandonment, commitment, the future, and life in general, which I have never faced. This brought out key traits of mine that I needed to change to receive life’s fulfilling promises. This would not have been possible if it wasn’t for turning my will over to a higher power. That same power put the right people I needed in my life to get through this phase and sustain currently.

Today, I still have the same goal to remain sober every day. My fears and anxieties are steadily removed as I step into new challenges, knowing God has been and will be there for me the entire time. I have to accept thing outside of me while changing things that I can. I know I really can’t change anything outside of myself, but I can only hope to have a good influence. However, there are some things I noticed I can change. Such as

my financial situation by seeking extra work and constantly applying for jobs. This opened doors for me I would have missed if I sat still. I can also change the people I hang around if they do not have my best intentions in mind. I can seek prayer and meditation as well, in order to build a defense for the next challenge to come. These are all good, but I realized it lacks purpose if I don’t give back to those who have had similar struggles as me. So, as I remain sober and mostly serene, I want that to give the same hope to the next man, knowing that it is was so freely given to me.

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