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Is this it?

Updated: Feb 12, 2020

Sometimes I cannot really identify what is wrong with me. If I feel anything short of the exuberance I have been able to maintain, I think something is wrong. This is probably just natural, but it causes me to check my well-being a little more thoroughly.

Lately, I have been paying less attention to what I am eating, which has included a lot of fried chicken LOL. That type of food and other less healthy choices usually changes my energy levels and causes me to feel worse physically, which then has a direct effect on my mental. When I don’t feel as fluid in my body motions and my overeating feels as if it’s weighing me down, I strain myself mentally. I start to notice my motivation starting to shift which lets me become comfortable with doing less, like my house maintenance. I stared at a dirty bowl this morning, partially made my bed, and passed laundry that I could have started. Now I justify it by saying I will get to it when I get home, but when I get comfortable with putting things off I feel like that is a red flag for me.

I sort of started this by focusing on the effect from eating habits. But I have also missed more meetings that I usually attend, like my Friday morning men’s meeting that I did not set my alarm for, my Tuesday night rally group at church because I fell asleep before it started, as well as my usual number of AA/NA meetings. Now, I did make an agreement with myself to cut back on these to have more ME time, but I have missed more than I would like lately without intending to do so.

I also asked my Grandmother a question the other day. I said,” Is this it?” I was referring to my sobriety and this was my human instinct of discontent kicking in, by thinking that I am missing something. She quickly responded, ”Well Justo, you had another day sober, right?” It was so simply put but I had an epiphany. I remembered when that never seemed possible. For me, that is an accomplishment every day. I remembered when I was homeless, when I barely ate, when I had absolutely nothing, along with other mishaps that flashed before my eyes. There was a time when I had only imagined I would be where I am at today. This would have been everything and more that I could wish for. Those thoughts are what pulled me back in check and my mind clicked back into a state of gratitude.

By doing this reflection I feel a little more driven to check my well-being throughout the day. I will keep my higher powers will in mind, I will assess the risk of myself and others in their current situations, and I will focus on building the environment I crave. As for today, I am looking forward to a support group tonight and for the new opportunities to connect with others.

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